ok so here is the only place away from the eyes of ppl who should not see this but i feel i need to post it somewhere so please do excuse

Tae Kwon-Do Team Trials

PROS


Pride of makin 4 consecutive tries – which will kick out the demon voices for a while

Goin to Benidorm

Hanging out with the team

Fitness improving




CONS


Not a hope of making the team – which will lead to depression beyond belief

Cant Kick, cant control balance

CANT win a medal

Not enjoyin all the insider team events that few get to experience

This could be my last year of actually making this spot.(didnt know if its a pro or con)
Ive been both an individual and a “spare” on the Ireland TKD team. To be honest i dont believe i do a good enough job to rightfully earn my spot on the team and having been the spare before – to be truthful its useless. Yes the spare still trains, travels and is part of the team but in the end all they do is stand there, unless by some miricale something happens another member of the squad. The cost of the whole trip between flyin,hotel, tracksuit etc to jus be another spare body in case. It has to be all or nothing.
Ive no problem doin team events on top of the individual spot but ive no interest in being jus on the team in jus a team spot to have .002 seconds on the floor.

Is there a resolution to this situation or am I jus being selfish??? In ways i feel like im letting the rest of the squad down by being like this but on the other hand if im not happy in the situation should i not jus remove myself from it?!!!?! I think i have a way to find the answers but at the same time im afriad to seek the answers in case what i feel deep down in the depths of my heart are true feelings – feelings of failure/longing/wishing/wanting.

am i really jus kidding myself????